??Predestined??

I know I am going to probably rouse some people on this subject but here it goes…..

As a "Christian Adoptee" I grew up hearing stuff like Everything happens for a reason, or God has a purpose for this, Be grateful for everything, and one of the ones I HATED hearing the most was God knew you before you were ever even created. He loves you you're His child blah, blah, blah.

Psalms 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!

Me, an abused discarded, unwanted kid..your trying to tell me that God knew that all this was going to happen to me before it happened???? Then why should I love this so called God, who would allow all this horrible junk to happen to me? If HE knows all why didn't HE stop it all from happening? Why was I separated from my birth family? I just did not understand all this stuff. I didn't know HOW to believe in much less love a God that could foresee my future and not intervene.

My new parents started taking me to church and I was in a private school and I started learning about this so called GOD…. The more I learned the more I liked… I learned that He had a Son, Jesus Christ who was like me.. hated by many. His own people turned their backs on Him as well but He kept on going. He didn't let that stop Him from His purpose in life.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.


The more I learned the more my hardened heart started to soften. I was still puzzled by so many things in life but I knew this one thing for sure I had to know more. I started to listen and study and even pray to God.. after all what harm could it do? I started to realize that it was not the will of God for BAD things to happen to me but that through the bad He could work on me and use me to touch and help others that have gone through what I had.

 I have come a very long way since those first scared days as a little girl. Back then if you would have said the word Predestination to me I would have looked at you like you were crazy!!! Now, I know that I know That God chose to use my unfortunate situation for His Glory.

 Romans 8:28 
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

 To sum it up, I do not believe God made or allowed anything bad to happen to me, bad things happen to good people all the time. I do however, believe that The God I serve will have the Last Word!!! Thank You Lord for hand picking my awesome parents!!!!

Sisters are different flowers from the same garden.

Growing up I always knew deep down inside that I had a younger ½ sister. She is 3 yrs. younger than I am. We had the same biological father but different birth mothers. I never cared though because to me she was MY baby sister. I only knew her a short time before my younger brother and I were put up for adoption at ages 3 & 4. Once adopted at ages 4 & 5, we never spoke of her again. It was as if she never existed. I honestly do not think my younger brother remembered her at all and all I could recall was her being "the other daughter who was loved more than I was." However, deep down I longed for her and I longed for the relationship with my "mom" like she had. Yes, you could say I was very envious of her as a child…..in my childish way of thinking SHE was the wanted one and my brother and I were the hated ones.
Years went by and I would think about her from time to time and wonder how she was and wonder if she and I looked alike or if she thought about me and/or if my birth father ever spoke of me to her. I would lay on the grass outside and stare up at the clouds and daydream that she was doing the exact same thing I was at the exact same time I was doing it. I just never spoke to my a-parents about it out of fear of hurting their feelings and being sent back to a bad place, (which I know NOW would have NEVER EVER have happened) but that's what I thought at the time. Life as an #adoptee isn't always easy and there is no rule book out there telling any of us how to do this!

 

You may be far away from me physically but you are never far from me mentally cause you are always on my mind and in my heart.

 

Then one day something GLOURIOUS happened (in my eyes anyways) my grandma (my a-moms mom) decided we were going to take a trip to visit her family in another state, which just so happened to be the state my birth fathers family lived in along with my baby sister. Without my mother knowing my grandmother took my brother and I for a visit to see our birth fathers family. I was 13!!! After all the years of wondering and day dreaming not so much about my birth father but my sister, we were on our way. I was as nervous as a flea on dip day. I do believe my grandma called my a-mom the night before to tell her we were going…not too sure how that went but I was 13 I didn't care!!!
We arrived at my paternal grandmothers house and it was packed FULL of people. Talk about overwhelming. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents, my birth father, the wicked Step mother and then there she was MY SISTER. With tears running down my face she was the first one I went to and hugged. I don't even know if she remembered me or not but it was an instant bond but then all of a sudden I look up and there is this red headed freckle faced boy looking at me that looks a whole lot like my younger brother that was adopted with me..I couldn't believe my eyes I had another younger brother.. wow, this was almost to much for me to take in at one time. In the middle of the living room was a cake that said "Welcome Home" with my brother and I's name on it.

 

"Sisters are for sharing, laughter and wiping tears."

 
For the most part of that day us kids stayed in the back room of my nana's house (paternal grandma) and got to know one another even the cousins. I made a promise to my sister that day that when I turned 18 I would come back and find her and my other younger brother. I recall the shirt I was wearing and everything like it was yesterday. She as me questions and I asked her questions…..we talked and talked.. our birth father took us to dairy queen and then it came time to say our goodbyes…

 

"Close to my heart youll be, sisters forever you and me."

 

It was hard very hard. But there was a promise of tomorrow between us kids. A promise I kept.

It all comes full circle

Today I was at the park with my sister and nephew out by the lake and I was watching her push her son on the swing and the breeze was blowing and my mind started to drift as it often does……the what if's and what could have been's (I know that's not a correct way of putting it but oh well its my blog ha-ha) started to wander around through my mind

I often wonder sometimes what life would have been like if all 6 of us kids would have had the chance to grow up together and had the chance to grow and bond as just "NORMAL" siblings do. Would we have been as dysfunctional of a group as we are now? I mean all 6 of us are by the same birth father but 3 of us came from 1 birth mother and the other 3 from another birth mother. There were 2 of us adopted by the same couple and raised for the rest of our lives while our full blood brother not knowing anything about ANY OF US was raised in a children's home and in and out of foster care until he was adopted at age of 16. Then there were 2 of us raised by our birth father and their mother. Our youngest brother came very much later in life….and by that time our birth father and his wife had split up so he was raised by his mother. Both our birth father and their mother died close to the same time so my sister fought for custody of our youngest brother and won (thank God) and raised him most of his life.

This is this first picture of all 6 of us kids ever taken together.

 
We argue, we fight, we disagree, we scream and yell but at the end of the day we love each other. Each of us have own battle scars from this thing called life. There are times we even go days and weeks without speaking to each other (dumb I know but I guess given our backgrounds we are doing pretty good) but let someone outside of our sibling family come up against one us its Katy bar the door!! We HAVE EACH OTHERS BACKS!!!! I guess this is why my mind often wanders if we had grown up together if things would have different for all of us? We are all fighters and strong willed and it causes us to clash. This however was the hand of cards we were dealt in this game of life and it has taught us all to stand.
                                                      
                                                      Im reminded of a country song by

 

GARY ALLAN LYRICS

 

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

 

A NEW HOME??

Well its been a while since my last blog....Quite a bit has gone on in life and in this brain of mine. 

When my brother and I were taken out of our "brutal step mothers hands", removed from our father and sister and the only home we had known and adopted It was a private closed and sealed adoption with a private attorney. The thing we as adult adoptees detest!! Here we go again into a different state to start over. The thing that my adoptive parents NEVER did to us that allot of adoptive parents do to "new kids" was be secretive and/or lie to us. In fact shortly after we had been adopted my brother and I were sitting in the living room with our "new mom and dad" doing a bible study and the phone rang....there was a pause and my mother handed me the phone...the voice on the other end was my FATHER. He said hi baby do you know who this is? At that moment I had major anxiety taking place inside do I answer him correctly and risk being "taken back" (to the abuse and hell) & (hurt my new parents) so I responded yes...and he asked who, I replied ***** (called him by name) he then proceeded to yell at me and told me that he was my daddy and always would be and I love you and then he wanted to speak to my brother. It happened to be be his birthday and the empty promises were made ect.. and that was the last we heard from him. 

That phone call was never mentioned again until many years later. 

I say all that to say this....we always knew our birth (last names) Yes they were changed and sealed in the records. However my adoptive parents never kept this information from us. So when it came time to search...at age 18...I found my birth fathers side first and my birth moms side second because after I found my birth father I asked where my birth mother was and that my friends is a blog for a different time because I am soo not ready to get into all that.....lets just say I'm still working through all the "muddy waters"

Until next time.

The Adoption

It has taken me a while after my last post to bring myself to write another one... recalling my childhood is never an easy task. So here it goes

The abuse continued to get worse as the days went on. My brother and I continued to suffer at the hands of this evil women. She would fill the bathtub with water and mop the floor and then take me and hold my head under the water under until I was gasping and fighting for air. My baby brother in the background crying because he was scared backed into a corner and the next thing I know I was able to come up for air but she has taken him beat him senseless and tied him to the bed and left him there. 

Somehow we were taken to our paternal Aunts house where I made an outcry for help. I told her what was going on. She kept my brother and I and was going to let us stay but my father starting making her life hell. Needless to say she called 911 and CPS was called in. Long story short..My wicked Step mother (who had had another daughter by now) was in parenting classes and my father was told by child protective services that he had to make a choice between his wife (our wicked abusive step mother) and her daughter or my brother and I. He could not do both and we were not to be in the house with her period. WHAT A CHOICE FOR SOMEONE TO HAVE TO MAKE..... He made it alright. He choose HER & my 1/2 SISTER..... so my brother and I were put up for adoption at age 3 and 4. 

One of my Aunts knew of a couple in their church who was looking to adopt so the couple was told about my brother and I and the "private" adoption took place. By the age of 4 and 5 we were officially adopted. 

So this is how I came to be adopted. There is sooo much more to my journey but for now I need to process my thoughts and I pray this helps someone....until next time

Dawn 

My Path to a new home

As comfortable as I am with my own adoption, and how much I adore my parents, I use to wonder growing up how I would connect and or feel once I met my birth parents. The inner child in me long to know.

Let me tell you my story of how I became adopted.

I was born to a mom who was the oldest of 6 kids and a father who was in the military and the half sibling of 4. Together they had me on the base in my mother's home town. This is where we stayed for a while since my dad was stationed there. As I grew, I grew to love my parents and form memories of home. A little over a year and half passed and we were on our way to another state where my dad was stationed for my brother to be born. (one of my first memories I have....more later) He was born with a hole in his heart so they had to have that repaired and all was well after that. So we took a bus back to my mom's home town. We continued to live happily (as far as I recall) until one day we were picked up by my father and whipped away (without our mom) to his home town in another state. Here he divorced her and remarried his 2nd wife. The evil wicked step mother!!!!

At age 3 I am wondering where's mommy? Why is she not here? Why is she not coming for me? I'm scared.

My father never mentions her and acts as though life is just peachy with his new wife. Traveling from base to base. While he is drinking and drugging. While he is away The abuse starts. My brother cries to loud and SHE pulls out the broom and hits him with it. I protest and she back hands me and tells me to shut the hell up and grabs me by the hair of my head and pulls me to the sink to scrub my mouth out with soap over and over until it bleeds and then because I wont stop crying she locks me into a closet for hours. While sitting in the closet I can hear her beating the hell out of my brother and hear his screams. I am wondering to myself ..(silently sobbing for fear of being beat) where's my mommy and daddy) suddenly everything goes silent. I sit still waiting not wanting to upset her again...after what seems like hours, the door is opened and its my daddy. So glad to be rescued from the closet and picked up into his arms, I look around for my baby brother and see that he is in his crib bruised but quite with a bottle. Relieved that for now things are back to normal.

I end with this today...I started this blog for more therapeutic reasons than anything else but I hope in doing so it may help someone else.

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Only GOD can turn a MESS into a MESSage, a TEST into a TESimony, a TRIAL into a TRIumph, a VICTim into a VITory. GOD is GOOD..all the time!