??Predestined??

I know I am going to probably rouse some people on this subject but here it goes…..

As a "Christian Adoptee" I grew up hearing stuff like Everything happens for a reason, or God has a purpose for this, Be grateful for everything, and one of the ones I HATED hearing the most was God knew you before you were ever even created. He loves you you're His child blah, blah, blah.

Psalms 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!

Me, an abused discarded, unwanted kid..your trying to tell me that God knew that all this was going to happen to me before it happened???? Then why should I love this so called God, who would allow all this horrible junk to happen to me? If HE knows all why didn't HE stop it all from happening? Why was I separated from my birth family? I just did not understand all this stuff. I didn't know HOW to believe in much less love a God that could foresee my future and not intervene.

My new parents started taking me to church and I was in a private school and I started learning about this so called GOD…. The more I learned the more I liked… I learned that He had a Son, Jesus Christ who was like me.. hated by many. His own people turned their backs on Him as well but He kept on going. He didn't let that stop Him from His purpose in life.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.


The more I learned the more my hardened heart started to soften. I was still puzzled by so many things in life but I knew this one thing for sure I had to know more. I started to listen and study and even pray to God.. after all what harm could it do? I started to realize that it was not the will of God for BAD things to happen to me but that through the bad He could work on me and use me to touch and help others that have gone through what I had.

 I have come a very long way since those first scared days as a little girl. Back then if you would have said the word Predestination to me I would have looked at you like you were crazy!!! Now, I know that I know That God chose to use my unfortunate situation for His Glory.

 Romans 8:28 
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

 To sum it up, I do not believe God made or allowed anything bad to happen to me, bad things happen to good people all the time. I do however, believe that The God I serve will have the Last Word!!! Thank You Lord for hand picking my awesome parents!!!!

Sisters are different flowers from the same garden.

Growing up I always knew deep down inside that I had a younger ½ sister. She is 3 yrs. younger than I am. We had the same biological father but different birth mothers. I never cared though because to me she was MY baby sister. I only knew her a short time before my younger brother and I were put up for adoption at ages 3 & 4. Once adopted at ages 4 & 5, we never spoke of her again. It was as if she never existed. I honestly do not think my younger brother remembered her at all and all I could recall was her being "the other daughter who was loved more than I was." However, deep down I longed for her and I longed for the relationship with my "mom" like she had. Yes, you could say I was very envious of her as a child…..in my childish way of thinking SHE was the wanted one and my brother and I were the hated ones.
Years went by and I would think about her from time to time and wonder how she was and wonder if she and I looked alike or if she thought about me and/or if my birth father ever spoke of me to her. I would lay on the grass outside and stare up at the clouds and daydream that she was doing the exact same thing I was at the exact same time I was doing it. I just never spoke to my a-parents about it out of fear of hurting their feelings and being sent back to a bad place, (which I know NOW would have NEVER EVER have happened) but that's what I thought at the time. Life as an #adoptee isn't always easy and there is no rule book out there telling any of us how to do this!

 

You may be far away from me physically but you are never far from me mentally cause you are always on my mind and in my heart.

 

Then one day something GLOURIOUS happened (in my eyes anyways) my grandma (my a-moms mom) decided we were going to take a trip to visit her family in another state, which just so happened to be the state my birth fathers family lived in along with my baby sister. Without my mother knowing my grandmother took my brother and I for a visit to see our birth fathers family. I was 13!!! After all the years of wondering and day dreaming not so much about my birth father but my sister, we were on our way. I was as nervous as a flea on dip day. I do believe my grandma called my a-mom the night before to tell her we were going…not too sure how that went but I was 13 I didn't care!!!
We arrived at my paternal grandmothers house and it was packed FULL of people. Talk about overwhelming. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents, my birth father, the wicked Step mother and then there she was MY SISTER. With tears running down my face she was the first one I went to and hugged. I don't even know if she remembered me or not but it was an instant bond but then all of a sudden I look up and there is this red headed freckle faced boy looking at me that looks a whole lot like my younger brother that was adopted with me..I couldn't believe my eyes I had another younger brother.. wow, this was almost to much for me to take in at one time. In the middle of the living room was a cake that said "Welcome Home" with my brother and I's name on it.

 

"Sisters are for sharing, laughter and wiping tears."

 
For the most part of that day us kids stayed in the back room of my nana's house (paternal grandma) and got to know one another even the cousins. I made a promise to my sister that day that when I turned 18 I would come back and find her and my other younger brother. I recall the shirt I was wearing and everything like it was yesterday. She as me questions and I asked her questions…..we talked and talked.. our birth father took us to dairy queen and then it came time to say our goodbyes…

 

"Close to my heart youll be, sisters forever you and me."

 

It was hard very hard. But there was a promise of tomorrow between us kids. A promise I kept.

It all comes full circle

Today I was at the park with my sister and nephew out by the lake and I was watching her push her son on the swing and the breeze was blowing and my mind started to drift as it often does……the what if's and what could have been's (I know that's not a correct way of putting it but oh well its my blog ha-ha) started to wander around through my mind

I often wonder sometimes what life would have been like if all 6 of us kids would have had the chance to grow up together and had the chance to grow and bond as just "NORMAL" siblings do. Would we have been as dysfunctional of a group as we are now? I mean all 6 of us are by the same birth father but 3 of us came from 1 birth mother and the other 3 from another birth mother. There were 2 of us adopted by the same couple and raised for the rest of our lives while our full blood brother not knowing anything about ANY OF US was raised in a children's home and in and out of foster care until he was adopted at age of 16. Then there were 2 of us raised by our birth father and their mother. Our youngest brother came very much later in life….and by that time our birth father and his wife had split up so he was raised by his mother. Both our birth father and their mother died close to the same time so my sister fought for custody of our youngest brother and won (thank God) and raised him most of his life.

This is this first picture of all 6 of us kids ever taken together.

 
We argue, we fight, we disagree, we scream and yell but at the end of the day we love each other. Each of us have own battle scars from this thing called life. There are times we even go days and weeks without speaking to each other (dumb I know but I guess given our backgrounds we are doing pretty good) but let someone outside of our sibling family come up against one us its Katy bar the door!! We HAVE EACH OTHERS BACKS!!!! I guess this is why my mind often wanders if we had grown up together if things would have different for all of us? We are all fighters and strong willed and it causes us to clash. This however was the hand of cards we were dealt in this game of life and it has taught us all to stand.
                                                      
                                                      Im reminded of a country song by

 

GARY ALLAN LYRICS

 

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride